I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
