meet me or not, i'm out of control
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
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