I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
if only i could text you this smell
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Randomize
