Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
