before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
