I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
Randomize
