i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Randomize
