I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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