Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Randomize
