I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
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