i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Randomize
