I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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