She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Randomize
