I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
in my opinion joe jonas is kinda pointless. hes just the pretty boy front runner.
as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Randomize
