she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
