When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Randomize
