I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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