two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize
