Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Randomize
