All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
