R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Randomize
