Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
