if i can run in heels then i can drive
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
