woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
