my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
Randomize
