I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV"
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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