oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
barbara walters just said penis...
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
Error 1684C: You're last text was undeeliverable. Subscriber is our to the aera.
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
someone owes me an orgasm
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
