I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
