Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
Randomize
