i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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