i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
