I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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