Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
