I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
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