i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
