I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
