allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
