Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
That accounts for only three of the penises
My day in three words: secret purse cake
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Randomize
