I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Randomize
