Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
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