I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Randomize
