Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
