You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
Randomize
