i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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