Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
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