3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
Randomize
