I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
