Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Randomize
