and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
Randomize
