God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
is it fun? or sober?
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
